For amber,
Amber,
I like how you started your post with that overall summary, it made the post easier to read, and lets the reader know what's going on.
It was impressive that you used quotes in this post, even though they weren't asked for. It made this post have a more authentic feel to it.
You're structure was pretty easy to follow: summary, interview 1, interview 2, interview 3, analysis paragraphs.
It was interesting to find out about the Islamic traditions around death after learning about the Jewish traditions from sams post.
One suggestion I'd make is to keep it short and sweet. Keep only the most important information.
For Sam,
I liked the way this post was structured, and the quotes you chose had a lot of meaning. I think you used the information that your parents provided you to create a viable hypothesis. I agree with what you said by it not being the body that matters, it being the "soul", however people think of that. I'm glad you mentioned religion deciding how someone gets cared for because from my experiences that came up a lot.
A suggestion about the way you structured this post would be to switch the order in which you included the interviews because you put the more interesting information at the beginning which took away from the post. Save the best for last. Also in the middle of the post your wording started to get confusing. I think you did a good job of making something out of the little information you got from your parents. I think it's always hard to draw conclusions from little bits of information and you did it well.
For Martyna,
Anybody that reads this can tell you definitely put work into this blog. You incorporated relevant statistics to supplement your parents opinions which gave it context and made it more interesting to read.
It was also interesting to read because as you said, your parents aren't from America. The traditions around death aren't the same everywhere in the world, and that's displayed in this post when your mom said the tradition is to kiss the hand of the deceased. In America I think many people would find this weird because the dead are kept separate.
Also it was interesting to see that some of the traditions are the same between cultures, mostly because they are religion based.
I think that this deserves a 10 regardless, but one thing that you could do to improve is to make sure your sentences coherently match up. At the beginning it happened once with going from fearing death to a polish tradition. Other then that, this post was great.
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From t/w team:
Kevin,
You talked to three peers about the care of the dead and summarized their answers.
Danny had a slightly different opinion to what we usually come across. To me, it seems almost wrong to say it doesn't matter what happens to a dead person's body. His opinion was very interesting and could be quite controversial.
I have to disagree with your thought in the last paragraph; I think the body physically is quite important- you might get a different experience when standing over a grave knowing that you are actually close to the body of the person (or its ashes/remains), than when you are simply looking at a gravestone.
My suggestion would be to, at least briefly, plan what questions you are going to ask, or maybe think out in which direction you would like to steer your discussion when interviewing.
Overall, you included some good thoughts and quotes.
Thanks for your interviews,
Martyna
Sam:
To start, I think that you had some great ideas. I really like the ideas that you present about funerals being about celebrating a person's life and that it isn't always necessary to spend an absurd amount of money on someone's funeral. I also agree with you that having a funeral for them so they have a proper start to their afterlife is not a sufficient reason for an extravagant funeral. I think that if you expanded on these ideas then you would have a really great blog post. Why do you disagree with Mike, and why did his ideas make you mad? What influences do your religious beliefs play in your opinions? I think that if you went in depth in the "My Thoughts" section, then maybe we (the readers) would understand where your stronger opinions were coming from. Other then that though I think you had some great ideas. Good job.
Amber:
Kevin,
You had a good mix of interviewees. Your interviews helped me prove my point about religion and beliefs and what affect they have on how one approaches care of the dead. I personally did not agree with everything that was said. When Danny said: “The person is dead so they won’t know how they’re body was treated.” I seemed to disagree, I believe that the way a body is treated has a lot to do with their afterlife. It should be treated with care and respect and have a proper disposal which would be a burial (this is my own opinion based on my faith). I am not saying that one should spend 10,000 dollars on an individuals funeral but I think it’s the thought that counts. You wouldn’t want to do physical damage to the body such as kicking it or jumping up and down on it; it just wouldn’t seem right. That is why I disagree with Danny when he stated that the dead person won’t be have any effect on how their body is treated afterwards. I think this had a lot to do with him being an atheist; since he doesn’t have certain beliefs he doesn’t really have anything to believe in instead of making everything up as he goes along in life. Thanks for sharing your interviews and your thoughts.
Amber M.
From Mentor, Leon (Dad):
In all your posts you have similar writing styles and structures. Sometimes it works well for you, but I don't think that this is one of those times. This Homework was very choppy. You did not let the post flow well as you do sometimes. Next time work to simplify and smooth things out.
The best insight that you had in this post was where you discussed how the care of the dead should be to honor their life, and not be so focused on the body itself. I agree with this, because the fact is that the person is dead, and that's that. The person isn't going to whine whether they are cremated or buried.
This was not one of your better posts though. Take your time while writing. Edit, re-read, make your posts flow.
From Jose, (Hunter College student)
The content of this post could have been stronger, the analysis, or "my thoughts" section was lacking that deep insight that could have made it from good to great. It was also hard to follow and keep up with. Like your Dad said above, simplify. It will make it sound much better.
I think that the best insight from this post was the connection you made between religion and caring for the dead. I know every religion, as well as every culture has a different way of caring for the dead. It's good that you recognize that, and now you should build of it to strengthen ideas and create deep insights. This one was good, but you should use it to make your next one great.
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