For my team.
For Amber:
I read this post looking for depth and insight. This post had a lot of powerful questions and great insights. An example of this from your first paragraph would be, "Atop the table besides him sits a bouquet of flowers. How will this contribute in making him feel better? Did placing these flowers here guarantee that he will be living another day? Why waste all this money to show pity?" When you ask questions like these, it makes the reader think. I know it made me think, and it kind of just made a common practice in our society look stupid. Questions like these keep the reader interested and engaged. Furthermore, when you answer the questions you pose it gets the reader back into the account and takes them deeper. This writing was very detailed, very vivid and very interesting. It is one of those pieces where I can tell you put a lot of effort into the writing. Good work, I can't wait to read more!
For Bianca:
Bianca, I read your post looking for perspective. I figured this being a personal account that i would find this whole piece to be written from your perspective with your thoughts. But it wasn't. You questioned what Bernice was thinking. You tried to figure out what she was thinking looking up at you.
While reading this piece you feel like you are almost inside your head. You displayed your thoughts, what was going on, and the affects it had on you both in an interesting matter, and appropriately.
This post had a very strong readers voice, and simultaneously provided great insights and descriptions. This honestly one of the best posts I've read so far.
-Kevin
While reading this piece you feel like you are almost inside your head. You displayed your thoughts, what was going on, and the affects it had on you both in an interesting matter, and appropriately.
This post had a very strong readers voice, and simultaneously provided great insights and descriptions. This honestly one of the best posts I've read so far.
-Kevin
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Thinking/Writing Teams:
From Andy (Teacher),
Kevin,
Great writing.
Powerful feeling, and a little scary, that your all's company saved her? Imagine if you hadn't gone.
I grew up in Venice, went to college in Sarasota, and taught for 2 years in Naples.
Great writing.
Powerful feeling, and a little scary, that your all's company saved her? Imagine if you hadn't gone.
I grew up in Venice, went to college in Sarasota, and taught for 2 years in Naples.
Kevin,
I am commenting on your response based on perspective. You shared an interesting story about your grandmother being ill for some time and how she made a dramatic recovery by the help of oxygen tanks. As a reader this raises my hopes for many things in life. Usually in illness and death related situations we tend to ignore the worst and hope for the best. By witnessing your grandmother go through a phase of being seriously sick, you and your family became worried which triggered them to prepare for the worst. Your mother thought that your grandmother would be dead by August, yet the outcomes proved her wrong. Having this story take place in your life makes me feel that you have a different approach to illness and death in society. Our culture tends to ignore the obvious signs of bad news, by trying to think positive. I feel as if doing so does not help much, but in your case it did. Your grandmother is much healthier when compared to the state she was in some time ago. By reading this I felt like I have changed some of my personal views on death and illness. Your work will cause many to take a new approach on illness and death. Keep it up :)
Amber
I am commenting on your response based on perspective. You shared an interesting story about your grandmother being ill for some time and how she made a dramatic recovery by the help of oxygen tanks. As a reader this raises my hopes for many things in life. Usually in illness and death related situations we tend to ignore the worst and hope for the best. By witnessing your grandmother go through a phase of being seriously sick, you and your family became worried which triggered them to prepare for the worst. Your mother thought that your grandmother would be dead by August, yet the outcomes proved her wrong. Having this story take place in your life makes me feel that you have a different approach to illness and death in society. Our culture tends to ignore the obvious signs of bad news, by trying to think positive. I feel as if doing so does not help much, but in your case it did. Your grandmother is much healthier when compared to the state she was in some time ago. By reading this I felt like I have changed some of my personal views on death and illness. Your work will cause many to take a new approach on illness and death. Keep it up :)
Amber
Kevin,
I am also commenting on your response based on perspective. Your story was very powerful. One thing that I would recommend for you to do next time is to write looking through your grandmother's perspective. I believe that this would further not only your understanding of your reactions but, your understanding of how your grandmother deals with illness. Another thing that I would suggest is to maybe elaborate on the setting of where your grandmother and provide details that would create a picture in my mind or something that I would not expect to read. I really loved the last two sentences of your last paragraph. "She's a fighter. She always said all she wanted was ten more years. And that was eleven years ago. " Although our culture presents death as inevitable and sometimes makes the idea of evading death ludicrous, these two sentences definitely induced some hope in me.
Bianca
I am also commenting on your response based on perspective. Your story was very powerful. One thing that I would recommend for you to do next time is to write looking through your grandmother's perspective. I believe that this would further not only your understanding of your reactions but, your understanding of how your grandmother deals with illness. Another thing that I would suggest is to maybe elaborate on the setting of where your grandmother and provide details that would create a picture in my mind or something that I would not expect to read. I really loved the last two sentences of your last paragraph. "She's a fighter. She always said all she wanted was ten more years. And that was eleven years ago. " Although our culture presents death as inevitable and sometimes makes the idea of evading death ludicrous, these two sentences definitely induced some hope in me.
Bianca
From Leon (Dad, Upper),
This is one of your better pieces of writing. It had lot of detail, and the writing was fairly simple. My favorite line was the ending where you said, "She always said all she wanted was ten more years. And that was eleven years ago." It gave an ominous feel, and at the same time it makes you think about what will-power alone can do for you. This post was good and it is clear that you put a lot of thought into it. It gets the readers attention and if they read this post, they definitely would want to read others. One thing you could do better would be adding more transitions between ideas.
From Ryan (Brother, Lower),
I liked reading about this story because i was there for it. Everything you said was true and that's good because stories are always better when theyre true. I think a good part of your homework was "The thing I found most weird about the situation was that nobody could find out what was wrong with my Grandma." It made me think of all the times when I had something wrong and couldnt figure it out. I could relate to you there. Write more next time.
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