I think that I'm supposed to be doing beauty. If I'm not, my bad. Well when it comes to beauty, I believe there is two types of beauty to look for. Beautifully written work, and beautiful insights. I think this had a little bit of both. "When we die it is usually said that we go to a better place, so why aren’t we excited about dying and escaping from this obstacle course called life?" That line is beautiful. It shows depth of thought, insight, and truth all in one. But it's even better because of the way it's phrased. It flows well and raises a question not commonly asked. It shows beauty in both ways. There were also some good lines in this post that could have been made stonger and more beautiful. "I don’t really understand why we are all afraid of death; I guess I am being hypocritical here because I as well am afraid of death." This is a line that raises another almost unsolvable question, but it could have been said better. If it was phrased more like: We are all afraid of death, myself included, but why? Or something along those lines. I don't want to take anything away from your post, as I think it's better then my own, but always keep looking for a better way to phrase things.
To Bianca:
First of all, good blog post. I enjoyed reading about your interpretations of Beth's insights, and some of your own. I think that there were a lot of parts of your post where you showed good perspective and insight,such as these lines "When the death of someone we care about occurs, we subconsciously think about how this death with affect our own stability without their presence. We push their once potential-filled life into the gutter only to seek the optimum way to buffet with our mourning and sorrow." That is really deep and original, and really shows your perspective and what you are about. I would love to see more of this throughout your posts. While there was a lot of good perspective, There were times where you started to talk about an experience that you have had, and just kind of ended your idea. "Having been in the hospital a few months ago to visit an ill family member, I feel that the presence of beauty and pain had never revealed it self, however, it was there nonetheless." I feel as if you could have elaborated more there. I like the line, I just think it could have been followed up better. Overall, good post, keep up the good work.
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Thinking/Writing Team Comments
From Bianca:
I really liked the first two topic sentence of your first paragraph: " There is a time where you have to let go. I totally agree with this idea. Nothing lasts forever. Yes, cliché, but also true." This went well in bringing the readers attention to Beth's story. Your post is very straightforward and, I applaud you because death is a difficult topic to write about because ultimately, death is vague as living humans have never experienced it. I'd like it if you had introduced your body paragraphs the same way you did for your introduction. Your transition from paragraph to paragraph is somewhat in a logical order but, try to structure your paragraphs so every topic sentence correlates to the main point you are trying to convey. There are some grammatical errors here and there. One thing to keep in mind is to remember this is a somewhat formal post; the use of the word "So" might not always be sufficient in starting out sentences.
From Amber:
I read this through the modality of beauty, and overall I have to say you did I nice job. You connect Beth's experience with your own experiences, which was a great idea. When you wrote about your aunt Catherine's death battling lung cancer, it made me realize that sometimes you do have to let go. At some point in our lives our bodies won't be capable of taking care of us any longer; if we try to fight they might hold on a bit longer, but they will have to give up at some point.
You used a bit of metaphorical language which I liked. I would like to see more of it. I really liked the way you did this assignment, it was not boring to read at all. At no point while reading this did I feel the need to click the little red square on the top right corner of my screen. You keep your reader interested with your thoughts. I like how you are talking directly to the reader. I don't feel like you did this assignment just to complete your homework, instead I feel like you actually wanted to aware the reader about your thoughts on illness and dying. I would recommend you to increase your font size. Also, try to question the reader, or end with a sentence that will make your reader be sure to come back to your page and check to see if you have posted another blog post.
From Ryan (Little Brother):
I think the best part from your homework was that part that talked about when you know you cant fight anymore. Its true because you cant always fight. it is not good to always fight. and you have to listen to your family because they know what is best.
From Leon (Dad):
This post was very good. But the best line from it was, "But what alarmed me about this was that I’m not sure if I was feeling sympathy because that was what I was taught to feel, or if it was genuine sympathy." It really brought out the point that sometimes the way you feel is because that is the way your taught to feel. That in some cultures the way people feel about death could be different. I enjoyed reading the post. It represented a lot of good ideas. One thing to look for though is wordiness, be short and sweet!
You used a bit of metaphorical language which I liked. I would like to see more of it. I really liked the way you did this assignment, it was not boring to read at all. At no point while reading this did I feel the need to click the little red square on the top right corner of my screen. You keep your reader interested with your thoughts. I like how you are talking directly to the reader. I don't feel like you did this assignment just to complete your homework, instead I feel like you actually wanted to aware the reader about your thoughts on illness and dying. I would recommend you to increase your font size. Also, try to question the reader, or end with a sentence that will make your reader be sure to come back to your page and check to see if you have posted another blog post.
From Ryan (Little Brother):
I think the best part from your homework was that part that talked about when you know you cant fight anymore. Its true because you cant always fight. it is not good to always fight. and you have to listen to your family because they know what is best.
From Leon (Dad):
This post was very good. But the best line from it was, "But what alarmed me about this was that I’m not sure if I was feeling sympathy because that was what I was taught to feel, or if it was genuine sympathy." It really brought out the point that sometimes the way you feel is because that is the way your taught to feel. That in some cultures the way people feel about death could be different. I enjoyed reading the post. It represented a lot of good ideas. One thing to look for though is wordiness, be short and sweet!
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